Why I blog
I started blogging about 5.5 years ago while I was pregnant with my 1st child. It started out as a way to keep out of town friends and family up to date with our life happenings and a great way to share picture of the little ones (and occasionally Brandon and I). I have to admit, although I still use my blog as a way to keep people up to date with our lives, my blog has turned into my own personal journal that happens to be public. Make Sense? Probably not, and that is okay. Here’s how I look at it, as a Mom of 2 beautiful busy children under 5, I don’t have time to do two baby books, scrapbook, journal and record all the cute things I want to look back on in years to come. So instead of doing all these different things, I choose to blog. It’s my time to record, reflect, journal, and scrapbook all in one place and for the world to see if they choose to do so. With that being said, my blog mainly consists of pictures and life events. But from time to time I do a reflection blog filled with words, basically a long overdue journal entry. I wish I had more time to journal (it’s a great way for me to process things, and write out my emotions and feelings) and a time to reflect but with two kids at ages where they are demanding and longing for my attention, I just don’t.
My reason for explaining all this, is because this post is going to be different from the ‘norm’. With quite a bit of stuff going on with me over the past 4 months (since the beginning of 2013), I feel for my sanity & as a way to record a ‘rough season’ in my life, that it is time to journal, let out my emotions, and reflect. Point being, this post is more for ‘me’ and anyone who choses to sit and read my journal entry. It’s not meant for attention, it’s not meant to complain, it’s purely and innocently meant for ‘me’.
Summary of the Past 4 Months:
Even though we have had a lot of fun and good stuff going on this year, I have been dealing with a lot physically hidden under all the fun. If you’re a parent I am sure you understand what I am talking about as you put your own ‘stuff’ to the side to keep life ‘normal’ for your kids.
I first off want to say I am truly grateful for the life God has given me. I know there is a lot of terrible things going on in this country right now, the world is a mess, and that there are tons of people suffering everywhere and in much more severe cases than my own struggles in life. But nonetheless, my struggles and my health is ‘my’ story and I am not trying to compare or make my situation out to be bigger than anyone else's. I am aware that in comparison to many other life struggles mine is really quite insignificant.
As you know, my year did not start out so well medically speaking. Between 2 ER trips, a diagnosis of pancreatitis, a 4 day hospital stay, being diagnosed with gallbladder disease, a surgery to remove my gallbladder, a complication that landed me back in the hospital for a second emergency surgery, and another 4 day hospital stay all in the 1st month of 2013, I think it’s safe to say that my year started off pretty rocky. February was rough. I was struggling with recovery and was in the doctors office about once or twice a week for various problems. FINALLY March hit, and things started getting better. I was having less and less digestive issues and finally starting to feel a sigh of relief from the pain and discomforts I was feeling following my gallbladder surgery. And although I was felling healed of those medical issues, I was still battling another medical concern.
A little history, I have always battled menstrual issues since I hit puberty about 16+ years ago. I was put on Birth Control at a young age, not for pregnancy prevention, but to regulate a hormone imbalance. I had a laparoscopy back in 2006 to get a better look at my uterus because of a high concern for endometriosis and to see if conceiving was going to be difficult. They found a small trace of endometriosis, cauterized it and that was the end of that. 6 months after the surgery, I found out I was pregnant with our first child. Absolutely no problems conceiving as we weren’t even trying at that point. After I had my son in 2008 I started getting Ovarian Cysts. I got them about once or twice a year ending up with me in the ER for an ultrasound and pain medications and they would eventually go away. Cysts have been an ongoing problem for me since then, getting worse as the years have gone by. I got an IUD in for pregnancy prevention after my son. The IUD seemed to help minimize my cyst issues, as my body really needs the added hormone to balance things out. We decided to start trying for baby #2 in 2007 and got pregnant the month I had my IUD out.
This past October 2012, Brandon and I decided to get my 2nd IUD removed as we were ready to start trying for baby #3. We were so excited as last time we got pregnant right away. We were really hoping to be due with our third child in September of 2013 so we were hoping to get pregnant in December. Well, seeing as I am not currently pregnant our ‘plan’ didn’t quite happen. It was actually a blessing that I didn’t get pregnant in December since I had to have my gallbladder removed in January. I was cleared by my surgeon that we could start trying again in mid February. Here we are mid April and we haven’t had much luck and I have had large Ovarian cysts that have required narcotic pain medication every month since November (6 months).
Yesterday, April 19, 2013, I was very sick. It started four days ago with a very upset stomach. It got worse each day and yesterday I started having similar symptoms to when I had Pancreatitis. My tummy was visibly swollen and I was dizzy and really nauseous. I decided to head to the ER (my 3rd ER trip in the past 4 months) last night to get checked out. The doctors concerns based on talking with me that it was my pancreases again, a stomach ulcer, or appendicitis. About 30 minuets after I had a CT Scan the doctor came in with the results, which we much different than either of us thought. He didn’t really have any answers for my upper stomach pain other than thinking I have a small ulcer, but he did find that I had a Cyst on my right Ovary measuring 3cm, a Cyst on my left ovary measuring 2cm, an enlarged Uterus, and 3 large Fibroid Tumors. There wasn’t much an ER could do for me because at that point I needed an OBGYN. I was released last night about 11pm with some antacids to help the stomach ulcer and some pretty hefty pain medication to get me through the weekend until I see my OBGYN on Monday.
Reflection of the Past 4 Months:
I am feeling beat up physically and emotionally. I know you shouldn’t worry until you have clear cut answers, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t. Sure fibroid tumors are pretty common and are almost always benign, but what if I am that small percentage that’s not (just like I was the small percentage to have complications after gallbladder surgery). Sure ovarian cysts are very common, but honestly I am SICK AND TIRED of the radiating pain in my abdomen every.single.month and I am SICK of taking pain medication. And the most emotional part for me to deal with, is the unknown lingering question in my head, Will I even have a shot at baby #3 with all this going on?? Is it possible to conceive with fibroids, yes but it is much for complicated and it increases your chances of miscarriage and preterm delivery. Can I conceive with cysts and an enlarged uterus, sure but once again it complicates things and makes it much harder to conceive. So basically I have a triple whammy of things going (complicating conceiving not necessarily making it impossible) on that is making this whole conceiving process a lot harder than either of us expected. After getting pregnant immediately upon trying twice with zero problem, it’s definitely a shock.
MY RANT: I am just so frustrated and sometimes feel as if my emotions get downplayed with remarks like don’t be so down so and so has it worse, or think about so and so they can never have children, or who cares if you can’t have another baby you already have two, or lots of people deal with fibroids/ovarian cysts/an enlarged uterus (just because it is common, doesn’t make the physical pain any less). I am SO sick of hearing all this, or thinking this, or feeling this. So what if a lot of people go through this, am I not supposed to have feelings or emotions. This is my life, my journey and my struggles and sometimes all I am looking for is comfort and understanding, not other people’s unbiased opinions of how I am supposed to feel. Although my medical issues may not be chronic or life threatening, it is still a very difficult season of life. Sorry, this is the reflecting rant part that isn’t so pretty because I am feeling very frustrated and my body is physically exhausted from 4+ months of pain. Did I mention I am a stay at home mom to two kids that are at very demanding ages and I don’t really have time to feel sad, or exhausted, or time to be in pain?
MY RATIONING: With all that said, and all of angry frustration I am feeling, another part of me is feeling grateful as I am trying (trying being the key word here) to focus all my negative energy to the positive things in my life. I have to realize my ways are not my ways and God’s plans will always prevail. So things didn’t go as we planned, is it hard to deal with? Sure. But GOD HAS A PLAN FOR US & FOR OUR FAMILY! If God chooses to give us only two children than that is HIS will, not mine. And although it is hard to deal with if that turns out to be the case, then we will find a way to deal with it even though that is not OUR will. I have a wonderful supportive husband, two absolutely beautiful healthy children who I absolutely adore, a great helpful and supportive family, and some of the most amazing friends some people only dream of having. I have a beautiful home, food in my fridge, clothes on my back, and most importantly a God who loves me unconditionally and has a special plan and direction for my life greater than I can ever imagine. Yea, I’d say I am pretty darn blessed, even in ‘my’ hard times. So as I sit here on a Saturday afternoon doing research after research on everything going on and driving my self crazy overflowing with emotions, I REFLECT. I reflect the good, I reflect the bad, and most importantly I reflect on God’s word and his many promises.
'Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.' –Isaiah 41:10
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things. –Philippians 4:6-8
'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. 'Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 'And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. –Jeremiah 29:11-13
With Him, I will get through this rough time of questions, uncertainty, and pain. And I will try and do everything in my power to live out His will for my life and put my own will to the side.
As for now, I wait and try to remain patient as I am sure I have a lot of tests and exams ahead of me as we try and figure this all out and where we go from here to rid my body of this pain. All I can do is lay down my burdens, pain, worries, and uncertainties to the Lord as He will ALWAYS prevail.
'Journal Entry April 20, 2013’
